God and Me and the babies make... 5

When I go out in public I am a spectacle, to say the least. Complete strangers seem oblivious to the screaming coming from the stroller indicating that patience is wearing thin and my window for errand-running is closing. They continue with standard, and sometimes invasive, twin-related questions as though I have all the time in the world. Once I've finally broken free without being rude I rush into whatever establishment I have business with and try to keep them from knocking things down, breaking something, or drawing too much attention. By the time we've made it back to the car I'm exhausted and the kids are a mess. The idea of introducing that level of chaos to a place in which I find great comfort and calm seems like a terrible idea, but nearly every bearable Sunday I make a go of it.

I do my best to brush my hair, put on a dress and do the same for all 3 kids and get them out the door. That is before they are able to get some kind of food product on whatever I've chosen to dress them in. Before I can walk out the door, however, I need to pack food. I'll need snacks, lunch, milk, sippies. The works. I'll need a change of clothes for each because Matty nearly always pees on something. I'll need "games" for Abby and for June, nothing because she is content to play with whoever is near her. Finally, I have everyone in the car and this is usually about 3 minutes before church begins.

Upon my arrival I have to unload and calm the already fussy toddler trio. Abby is normally in pretty good spirits because she knows she is going to be seeing her nursery buddies. It isn't until we've found our seats that she starts to demand (loudly) her sandwich. It is at this point that the people around me begin to sense the tension within my little family unit. The twins have eaten all of their snacks and simply no longer want to be in their stroller. I can always count on, though I hate that I have to, members jumping in to hold, chase and entertain. It pains me to sit and listen to the talk knowing someone else has to miss it for me.

I am constantly debating whether my being there detracts from others' experiences. What if by taking them away from the words being spoken they are missing something that may help them in their spiritual journey. Am I really gaining? I spend time listening, yes, but also trying to keep track of my children as they are being held or chased by other people and generally in 3 different directions.

At the end of the Sacrament I would say I've only regretted going a few times and those times were just rough days. All in all I love being there, I love hearing what little I hear and I love that even though they are too young to truly understand they are in the presence of something wonderful that will help them throughout their lives.

Abby is 3

She's not a baby anymore and I'm SAD. Sure, she wasn't really a baby when she turned two but now she's a KID.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say this

Abby,

You made me a mommy and I've been glad every day of your life that you are mine. You are an amazing little girl with such energy and kindness. You blow me away constantly and I'm incredibly proud of the person you are. Being your mommy is the reason I was put on this earth. I love you love you love you and thank you for the last 3 years of my life.

Mommy

The first 3 months, a near death experience.

Life with newborn twins isn't as dramatic as seeing a light at the end of a tunnel or nearly being hit by a car... but it is close. While it was over a year ago I still remember the feeling of total exhaustion, hunger and maddening frustration. When one of the twins wasn't crying, eating, or pooping my attention was consumed by a sweet little girl who'd once had me all to herself. Looking back she handled it like a champ and I'm incredibly proud of her.

All mothers have felt so overwhelmed that they're brought to tears. For me, I felt that for 3+ months and still have days equally chaotic. It was like I'd been pushed beyond my limit, given way too much to handle and I couldn't do anything but move forward. I cried often simply to release the frustration. After a few weeks of chaos and finally I just broke. I sat on the couch sobbing to Logan telling him I just couldn't do it anymore. It was impossible. While I could see he wanted to help I knew that there was nothing he could ultimately do so he just listened and I fell apart. Now being the multi-tasker I am I had this epic breakdown while simultaneously opening the mail. While I had no tiem to pay the bills it was always nice to see they'd arrived and add them to the stack. This particular day I received something I didn't expect but would change me.

One of the pieces was a card from my Grandma Swanson and inside was a little fortune out of a fortune cookie. The fortune said 'June' on one side below the lottery numbers, numbers looking back should have been played. I'm sure Grandma sent me this because she thought it was neat that it said my daughter's and my aunt's name. On the other side if this little piece of paper (delivered from God through my Grandma) said "It is possible because it is necessary". That was the first time I cried tears of joy since I'd left the hospital. I'm convinced to this day it was meant as a hug and a nudge... don't worry, you'll make it. And I did. Somewhere around 3-4 months it changed dramatically. Matt's colic was gone, they were on a consistent sleep schedule and sleeping from 6-midnight every night. I'd made it.

I know this sounds like I've hated motherhood with twins but that couldn't be further from the truth. Watching these beautiful faces grow and change has been the most amazing experience of my life. As they grew and became little people I watched them discover each other and themselves. Being a parent of twins is a unique experience not just because there are two but their differences are so much more obvious because they are developing at the same time. June is a ray of sunshine, no other way to put it. She is genuinely happy to see everyone and fills the room with joy (just like her namesake). We've always called her our little fidget and she is to this day. The world is so exciting she can't stand to sit still for fear she'll miss something. Matt is a rough and tumble man's man and who is hell bent on turning our walls and furniture into swiss cheese. He is smart and SO sweet. Since he was born he would mold to your body when you picked him up, some of my best sleep was when he was cuddled next to me. Oh and he is a charmer, ladies beware his eyes. Both are just such amazing little spirits and I have the privilege of being their mother seeing these little personalities jump out. Granted these traits would be obvious to any mother but just like Champagne and strawberries they bring out the beauty in each other.

*sniff*