Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that I can't sit still, I take on too much, and do not understand the concept of limitations. In a lot of ways this is to my benefit as I'm able to push myself enough to accomplish the goals I've set. One thing I've overlooked in the madness of motherhood is the little people I am supposed to be raising. They are well-fed, clean, mostly well-behaved (sort of), and right on track developmentally. 1 point for mommy, right? Not quite. While home with them I love them in passing. I adore the crap out of my kids and I'm convinced they are the most beautiful little people ever put on this planet, but I wasn't getting in their face. I have things to clean, shopping to do, and various other lists of time-consuming projects that I see as a necessity and to their benefit. Who has time to drop everything? Then there was a shooting in Connecticut and a part of my brain lit up.
I can be pretty dense so messages that I should be hearing loud and clear have to wade through thousands of other thoughts and ideas that occupy my constantly changing brain space. So it sat there, slowly growing.
A few weeks ago I lost my grandfather and really haven't talked much about it to anyone because... who knows, I keep a lot to myself. All I can remember from that day is crying and telling Logan "I'm not okay". He was supposed to live forever, everyone I love was. There has been so much death this past year, just in my small circle and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at the loss of someone I'd admired so much. It was the final straw and it shook me. In the wake of all this emotion I had a dream that had changed me permanently. In the dream I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of running water. The sound of running water drives me up the wall because my kids take about 45 minutes to wash their hands which translates to about a million dollars a month for my water bill. In my dream I headed immediately for the bathroom where water was running from the sinks and the bathtub all over the floor. I was furious, irritated and exhausted at the thought of cleaning it all up. I started by turning off the bathtub. Then as it began to drain I picked up a rag that was floating on the water when I felt something beneath it. I knew immediately what I'd felt, it was my son's head. I frantically pulled off the rag and grabbed him under his arms. I will never, in a million years, forget the feeling of lifting his lifeless body out of the cold water and laying him on the floor. I felt for a pulse, looked for breathing and immediately started CPR when none was found. I breathed and saw his sweet little chest push up, but not on its own. I laid my head on his chest to see if I'd restarted that sweet little heartbeat I never take the time to hear. The look on his face, so empty and so blue. AS I lay over his cold, lifeless body I sobbed knowing I'd never hold his sweet hand again. I woke up. I got to wake up from that horror. For those who have lost a loved one, we all have those moment where we pray that it is all a bad dream. What a blessing to be able to wake up when other parents have not been so lucky. I went to his room immediately and held him as tightly as I could and cried. That was the worst pain I've ever felt.
The next two weeks were a blur but mostly because I spent every possible moment in my kids' faces. I am the most annoying mom on the planet because I kiss them more, smell them more, and listen more. I still have some moments where I get super grumpy with them when they don't listen or when they are extra challenging but I get to keep them right now. Heavenly Father has let me have them for another day, a gift I receive daily and never appreciate. It is so hard to get caught up in the daily grind of time-outs, laundry and food on the floor... we forget those little faces that only want us to love them. We forget that we are their world and we are only their world for a short time, but they are our world forever. We forget that while I'm sure someday cleaning habits will be a crucial skill, right now they want to make a mess with us. They want to know us as much as we want to know them. They do the cutest things all day long... how many are we missing by checking facebook, or washing floors, or cleaning up their toys? I firmly believe that Heavenly Father was sending me a message "SLOW DOWN". I have had those words said to me more than any others and this time I heard them.
Go hug them right now, kiss them, squish them and bug them. They need us so much, but I swear we need them so much more.
