God and Me and the babies make... 5

When I go out in public I am a spectacle, to say the least. Complete strangers seem oblivious to the screaming coming from the stroller indicating that patience is wearing thin and my window for errand-running is closing. They continue with standard, and sometimes invasive, twin-related questions as though I have all the time in the world. Once I've finally broken free without being rude I rush into whatever establishment I have business with and try to keep them from knocking things down, breaking something, or drawing too much attention. By the time we've made it back to the car I'm exhausted and the kids are a mess. The idea of introducing that level of chaos to a place in which I find great comfort and calm seems like a terrible idea, but nearly every bearable Sunday I make a go of it.

I do my best to brush my hair, put on a dress and do the same for all 3 kids and get them out the door. That is before they are able to get some kind of food product on whatever I've chosen to dress them in. Before I can walk out the door, however, I need to pack food. I'll need snacks, lunch, milk, sippies. The works. I'll need a change of clothes for each because Matty nearly always pees on something. I'll need "games" for Abby and for June, nothing because she is content to play with whoever is near her. Finally, I have everyone in the car and this is usually about 3 minutes before church begins.

Upon my arrival I have to unload and calm the already fussy toddler trio. Abby is normally in pretty good spirits because she knows she is going to be seeing her nursery buddies. It isn't until we've found our seats that she starts to demand (loudly) her sandwich. It is at this point that the people around me begin to sense the tension within my little family unit. The twins have eaten all of their snacks and simply no longer want to be in their stroller. I can always count on, though I hate that I have to, members jumping in to hold, chase and entertain. It pains me to sit and listen to the talk knowing someone else has to miss it for me.

I am constantly debating whether my being there detracts from others' experiences. What if by taking them away from the words being spoken they are missing something that may help them in their spiritual journey. Am I really gaining? I spend time listening, yes, but also trying to keep track of my children as they are being held or chased by other people and generally in 3 different directions.

At the end of the Sacrament I would say I've only regretted going a few times and those times were just rough days. All in all I love being there, I love hearing what little I hear and I love that even though they are too young to truly understand they are in the presence of something wonderful that will help them throughout their lives.

Abby is 3

She's not a baby anymore and I'm SAD. Sure, she wasn't really a baby when she turned two but now she's a KID.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say this

Abby,

You made me a mommy and I've been glad every day of your life that you are mine. You are an amazing little girl with such energy and kindness. You blow me away constantly and I'm incredibly proud of the person you are. Being your mommy is the reason I was put on this earth. I love you love you love you and thank you for the last 3 years of my life.

Mommy

The first 3 months, a near death experience.

Life with newborn twins isn't as dramatic as seeing a light at the end of a tunnel or nearly being hit by a car... but it is close. While it was over a year ago I still remember the feeling of total exhaustion, hunger and maddening frustration. When one of the twins wasn't crying, eating, or pooping my attention was consumed by a sweet little girl who'd once had me all to herself. Looking back she handled it like a champ and I'm incredibly proud of her.

All mothers have felt so overwhelmed that they're brought to tears. For me, I felt that for 3+ months and still have days equally chaotic. It was like I'd been pushed beyond my limit, given way too much to handle and I couldn't do anything but move forward. I cried often simply to release the frustration. After a few weeks of chaos and finally I just broke. I sat on the couch sobbing to Logan telling him I just couldn't do it anymore. It was impossible. While I could see he wanted to help I knew that there was nothing he could ultimately do so he just listened and I fell apart. Now being the multi-tasker I am I had this epic breakdown while simultaneously opening the mail. While I had no tiem to pay the bills it was always nice to see they'd arrived and add them to the stack. This particular day I received something I didn't expect but would change me.

One of the pieces was a card from my Grandma Swanson and inside was a little fortune out of a fortune cookie. The fortune said 'June' on one side below the lottery numbers, numbers looking back should have been played. I'm sure Grandma sent me this because she thought it was neat that it said my daughter's and my aunt's name. On the other side if this little piece of paper (delivered from God through my Grandma) said "It is possible because it is necessary". That was the first time I cried tears of joy since I'd left the hospital. I'm convinced to this day it was meant as a hug and a nudge... don't worry, you'll make it. And I did. Somewhere around 3-4 months it changed dramatically. Matt's colic was gone, they were on a consistent sleep schedule and sleeping from 6-midnight every night. I'd made it.

I know this sounds like I've hated motherhood with twins but that couldn't be further from the truth. Watching these beautiful faces grow and change has been the most amazing experience of my life. As they grew and became little people I watched them discover each other and themselves. Being a parent of twins is a unique experience not just because there are two but their differences are so much more obvious because they are developing at the same time. June is a ray of sunshine, no other way to put it. She is genuinely happy to see everyone and fills the room with joy (just like her namesake). We've always called her our little fidget and she is to this day. The world is so exciting she can't stand to sit still for fear she'll miss something. Matt is a rough and tumble man's man and who is hell bent on turning our walls and furniture into swiss cheese. He is smart and SO sweet. Since he was born he would mold to your body when you picked him up, some of my best sleep was when he was cuddled next to me. Oh and he is a charmer, ladies beware his eyes. Both are just such amazing little spirits and I have the privilege of being their mother seeing these little personalities jump out. Granted these traits would be obvious to any mother but just like Champagne and strawberries they bring out the beauty in each other.

*sniff*

Becoming a mommy....twice, no, three times.

I am one of those annoying women who got pregnant on the first try. In fact, we were so torn as to whether we were ready to get pregnant that we left it up to God and one single attempt. 10 days later I got a very faint line on a Dollar Tree pregnancy test. Say what you will, those cheap suckers work!

My first pregnancy wasn't the worst in the world but it certainly made consider being the mother of an only child. Toward the end I was convinced that I was the world's largest wuss because I felt I was in more pain than I probably should be. Since I was technically a high-risk pregnancy I had ultrasounds pretty often and the very last was at 37 weeks, 4 days. I had been told at previous growth ultrasounds that Abby was measuring pretty far ahead but I never imagined what I was about to hear. Once he'd finished all of the measurements he started to laugh... I don't know about you but I prefer not to hear laughter when I'm without pants and the size of Texas. Shortly after I started scanning the ultrasound screen I saw "Weight estimate: 11 lbs 2 oz". Say whaaaat?! I laid back onto the bed as the doctor practically skipped into the next room to share the excitement with my OB. I can understand that this is a rarity in their field but I'd appreciate some kind of explanation before the news is called to take pictures of the woman with the elephant-sized baby.

The next 18 hours were a bit of a blur. I was told to go immediately to the hospital and schedule the c-section for the next day. I asked if there was any chance Abby would flip and I would be able to deliver her naturally but they assured me (after their laughter subsided) that it was dangerous and unlikely. Logan and I quickly made a Target run to get all of the last-minute items that we'd need for out little Abby's arrival.... like a crib.

At this point in our lives we were living in a 37' 5th wheel which is less glamorous than it sounds. A year prior to getting pregnant Logan and I had decided to become "Ranger Residents" and in exchange for getting a VERY cheap rent Logan would be on call all the time. While it wasn't ideal for our first child, most people who saw how we'd had it set up were pleasantly surprised how cozy it was.
We didn't quite have time to completely prepare because my c-section was scheduled for the following morning at 7 AM. At this point I still see 7 AM as incredibly early... I would later consider this sleeping in. We left the house at around 5 but not before I had my last experience with morning sickness for this pregnancy. Arriving at the hospital it all suddenly became real. I was about to bring a new life into this world, a life that I would be responsible for guiding and protecting. Once I couldn't feel anything from the waist down I began feeling pressure and pulling, from what Logan told me it was pretty gruesome. Then, I heard a beautiful cry.... followed a few minutes later by "Holy crap!". 10 lbs, 13oz. No wonder my pelvis felt like it was being broken.

The next year I struggled with postpartum anxiety and felt by Abby's first birthday that I wasn't interested in having more children.... but that wasn't really up to me, now was it?

Valentine's day, 2009 was a special day... even more special was February 19th/20th when I took pregnancy tests that started out negative but after some time were clearly positive. Since they were over the 10 minute deadline I only slightly ignored them, though my instincts were telling me I was preggo. Doing the math in my head that meant IF I were pregnant, I was only about 5-6 days post ovulation... Wait, WHAT?! Then it hit me (yes, that soon) holy crap its twins. It wasn't until my 8 week appointment that it was confirmed.

I was watching the little ultrasound screen watching for a little flutter or maybe a tiny outline... instead I see 2 circles. "Why are their two of them?? DOCTOR WHY ARE THERE TWO OF THEM!?" He laughed (why are my pregnancies sooo hilarious?) and said you're having twins! After that all Logan and I could do was laugh... a lot. Inside we were freaking out. My first thought was "Holy crap, we're going to need a house" the second was "The girls on MB are NOT going to believe this!". My mind is still trying to wrap itself around the idea of two babies at the same time when my OB chimes in "This is going to be exciting, these babies are going to be 8 lbs each EASY!"... holy crap, he's right.

My pregnancy was actually a dream. Morning sickness ended after 2 weeks and even then it only lasted until just after 1 PM. While my pelvis hurt I was THRILLED to not spend all of my time feeling sick. As expected the twins were measuring on the larger side and when I reached 37 weeks I was scheduled for a c-section. I was shocked to find that Matt was born at a whopping 9 lbs 5 oz and June a slightly less huge 8 lbs 12 oz. Needless to say I felt much lighter after they were brought into the world and it wasn't only because I'd literally lost 40 lbs in the delivery room. They were healthy, happy and alllll mine! I kept trying to stop from falling asleep because I couldn't stop looking at them. This, along with the birth of Abby, was the best day of my life.